Friday, June 30, 2006

the day

Sometimes my mind is wrecked by all that i can't see. My thoughts, not yours, make up these dreams. I want you alone to make my way straight and iron out the wrinkles that i make. i
think too much at times. i wear myself out. would you crush these things i think i need... tear them to the ground? i want you to tear down the storehouses of my dreams and give back to
me your visions. take my desires for that One to love and give me back your wisdom. Take my need for love and give back to me a passion for your kingdom.

help me to know your love, know your word, your heart soo sure,
that i find peace and contentment in the grace that i am yours.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


what do i really know about either of these.. because as of now, those sweet streams of love are not running quite as full and smooth as they should. so, confessions of the not so pure and lowly.

i thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly i was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But i have received mercy because i had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace
of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom i am foremost. But i have received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to beleive in him for eternal life. to the King of ages, immortal , invisible, the only God,
be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen
first of all then, i urge that supplications, prayers, intercesions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high postitions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our savior, who desires all people to be saved and come into knowledge of the truth.
for there is one God , and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.....
.....paul to timothy, in the first letter.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Love is like........

Love is like going to the frig to satisify some hunger and opening the door only to find a completely empty icebox... or one with mustard in it.

one day dad will be back from grocery shopping....

whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
psalm 73.25,26

Thursday, June 22, 2006

the piano man

a man in a pink shirt is playing the piano for me in the lobby tonite. ahh, the sound of music....
i do think that music must be a huge part of my life all the time....

i'm a sinner too

I hate when people lie to me and even more when they know I know they are lying, and yet they lie straight to my face. Also, i hate when people unreasonably question the integrity of the honest and professional establishment of this here legacy center. i hate it because not only is it a stab to the service and hospitality of the hotel, but also to the seminary, and then a stab to me personally, because they write me off as a liar. How frustrating is that? it upsets me something fierce.
see, i know that at some places, dishonesty is very easy to find. and i know that trust can often be betrayed. yet, it hurts when people treat you as if you don't care or that you really are trying to rip them off of something, even when you are trying to be nice or trying to give them something. so isn't it sad that we all do this.
God knows the heart of man more intimately than we can bear to think about. the heart is deceitful above all else, who can understand it? so we walk about our life as if God cannot see straight through us. we lie to ourselves and to God bald-faced... of course our fellowship with God is always where it should be..... oh, if you knew some of the things God has been showing me lately..... no, i don't have lust in my heart.... no, of course I'm not addicted to that.... yes, i can honestly say that i have loved my brother or sister wholeheartedly.... How many times do we fool ourselves into believing we have not sinned. it is sickening. i don't really have alot left on this except that i am a sinner just like the people who lie to me or who treat me as a liar- with the same motives, the same heart, and the same scales covering my eyes so i can't even tell that i'm the same and i needed a savior too.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


i cannot complain about today. or about the fact that i am at work right now. yet i am weary of this world and the thoughts of it. or maybe it is just work that i am weary of. the highlight of this night was locking the doors because i got to be outside. i miss being outside. i want to enjoy the warmth of the summer heat, and let it carve a memory in my heart to remember the way the Lord is working in my life and teaching me to love him. i want to feel the sweat start to flow from walking so long in the heat and find solace in taking a walk with God right next to me. i wish i were gathered with the church and that i could fellowship with my brothers and sisters so i could love them and they could love me back. i wish i didn't feel quite so alone right now. because it isn't that i'm single now and don't have a security blanket, it is that there aren't people i can be deep with. there aren't people who know i am intense and deep and appreciate that about me. There are those who know me as the quiet one, or the serious one, or the one who works all the time. then there are the ones that know that i am deep, but don't care to explore with me. i want someone who can challenge me in every aspect of life and yet do it in a way that encourages me and inspires me to love more and live more intentionally and change my priorites and perspective on things. i want someone i can laugh with, and cry with, and walk with, and play with, and someone i can make fun of and who will make fun of me back. i want someone who will look at me at the end of the day and be so thankful for me, that they have my friendship and my time. i want to be known and i want to be outside.


find rest o weary one in the warmth of summer's light,
o silly mind lay down thy famous plight .
for the day is planned and the time is known
for you heart to be savored, your love to be owned
He knows the desire, he knows the design
of the history that will be yours,
when you drink certain love like wine.
so just let go and rest, find peace in living life
past the days you find yourself walking with
the one who loves you as wife....

Monday, June 19, 2006

the love

I know not that this day shall end, for it seems it shall torment me and twist me until I can no longer be twisted. The day did not end or begin for I left work at 11:30pm and did not sleep because I was chatting with a fellow face booker about lots of things, but mostly on love, or the desire of it, or the ones about whom we are quite fond.
This turned into such despair and joy and sadness and hope all at once. There is always that person who just fits. And for me, it seems that passionate fit, no matter how great the potential, will not happen. Of course it will, you say. Have you ever been able to love a person and accept them so fully and passionately that you knew you would love them like that forever? I had this only once before. The state there made me feel as if there was nothing else to be had. Those days could have been my last and I would have died happy. I was convinced that no matter what came my way from there on out, I could never be discontent simply because I had tasted a sacred love, an unbreakable bond, a deep, heart wrenching, perfect love.
Now then, imagine the amazement of having this hope again. Oh the joy and the sadness. That sweet ecstasy, so pure, cannot be kept. For he does not know I feel this way, nor may he desire me because I seem not perfect to his fancy. No, I am short and not very tall; I am dark all around and not blue-hued. I am not exceedingly desirable or unstoppable, most likely, to him. So I see this perfection of creation to me, that includes his flaws and oddities, and am hopeful that just maybe he will look my way and dare I say love me like this. But there is a vast mystery between like and love and much to be known between the shadow and the soul. It is difficult to see the soul of a man, deeply cherish it, and remain unknown to this princely creation.
Heartache follows these losses. And today, the Heart tried and resolved itself to forgo these damages of giving love. To have loved like this and lost is better to have not loved at all. Yet to love like this twice is more dangerous and explosive than the first time. So there is a greater blessing and an even more dreadful curse. If he loves you, you have a piece of redemption, but if he loves you not, hell will not boil over to strengthen passion, rather, it burns and leaves scars. So I am afraid of being open to this love I feel. And people know who it is, though not too many. And I hope for the best, I hope for his Heart.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

on last night

all the days that have been rushing together have been decidedly stopped and today marks the official new beginning of so many things. last night i met with my friend whose life has been rearranged with mine to talk about where we were at and what we were thinking. The greatest blessing to me is that he asked me to pray for him at the end of all of it.
the thing that i find so odd is that he really knows me. or else he just picked up on alot of the things i didn't say... like when he was wondering how i could have so much peace about this rearrangement and how i could be so calm laying it all down with him, and then him telling me he realized that i had peace because i had been asking God for wisdom all along. so i was given the answer and i was doing it what i thought was wise. he knew somehow that i could see ten steps ahead of where he was, where i was, and where this relationship was going and he couldn't see it. and he didn't want to see that it was heading to friendship instead of marriage.
despite the disturbing peace that i had, i was so shocked. for days, i was shocked about it. i had decided what to do, had peace about doing it, and did not even think about changing my mind.
talking with him last night was very good for us though. We had kind, honest words for one another. and there was much graciousness and understanding abounding between the two of us.
i wish it had come sooner though and that we could have pointed each other to Christ in the earlier daysrather than have ended our relationship with it.
i wish that he would have seen ten steps ahead of me, and him, and saw where we were going before i did. i wish he would have beat me to the punch and lead me there. i wish that the day would come when i won't have to say goodbye to love because that love he will and does love me with, it leads me closer to Christ. i wish the day would come when i just know and he just knows
yet we don't say a word, we're just there. and i want my mother and my father to bless him first, without me knowing and i want to be pure to the mother whose daughter i am, and a blessing to the father whose daughter i am, and a bride to her beloved and a picture of grace, truth, and love. i want to sing to my God, my first love, on my own or with the one who leads me, and learn who my God is because i hate that i can forget a love so deep and so pure and so perfect. i hate that i am more capable to love at times so imperfectly and impurely, and with a shallow heart
rather than how my Father loves me.

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Garden

a garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
song of solomon 4:12

purity contains a wholesome passion to love that person you care for erotically with a respect that does not betray their innocence. purity contains a kindness that does not provoke the other to the lust of your essence. Purity allows another to see God in every act that you take towards them, so it must reflect the very heart of God to be considered whole and pure. love is above anything proper but joyful, and if it is of God, it is a way of sanctification.

i am the garden locked. i pray that the keeper of the garden gives the key to her beloved soon.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Ecclesiastes 12

Remember also your creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, " i have no pleasure in them", before the the sun and the light and the moon and the stars are darkened and the clouds return after the rain, in the day when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men are bent, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those who look through the windows are dimmed, and the doors on the street are shut- when the sound of the grinding is low and one rises up at the sound of a bird, and all the daughters of song are brought low- they are afraid also of what is high, and terrors are in the way;the almond tree blossoms, the grasshopper drags itself along, and desire fails, because man is going to his eternal home, and the mourners go about the streets- before the silver cord is snapped, or the golden bowl is broken, or the pitcher is shattered at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the cistern, and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, all is vanity.
Besides being wise, the preacher also taught the people knowledge weighing and studying many proverbs with great care. the Preacher sought to findwords of delight, and uprightly he wrote words of truth. The words of the wise are like goads, and like nails firmly fixed are the collected sayings; they are given by one Shepherd. My son, beware of anything beyond these. Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh. The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.
Have you ever thought about how much rest is found here in Ecclesiastes? There are no more questions, there are no more mysteries. It is the bottom line of the earth. i promise i am a happier person than this and on a usual day basis, i am very joyful. but think on this for a moment. our only real purpose is to fear God and keep his commandments. what a comfort is that!
Have you ever been the strong man bent or stopped grinding because it's just too hard? Or have you walked down a street offering nothing but closed doors? Have you ever wanted the silver cord to snap so that you would at least have an answer. Or have you watched the golden bowl that held your heart's hopes and treasures crash and shatter to pieces, or watched the hard earned water of your dear friend be lost because the pitcher shattered at the fountain? Or have you been on your way to some place great and then your ride dropped from underneath you? have you ever longed for the dust of this life to return to the earth from whence it came or longed for your spirit to return to God who gave it?
In Ecclesiastes, the game is finally finished and you have the answers of life. In Ecclesiastes, you have everything you were looking for and you are still alive to live a full life because living a full life is fearing God and keeping his commandments.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

tuesday june sixth, this is my fuzzy face

the song from yesteryears

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

a song by ginny owens

the pathway is broken
and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason
why you brought me here
but just because you love me
the way that you do,
i'm gonna walk through the valley
if you want me to

cause i'm not who i was
when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise
that you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials
bring me closer to you,
then i'll walk through the fire,
if you want me to

it may not be the way
i would have chosen
but you lead me through a world
that's not my home
and no you never said
it would be easy
so i will go through the valley
if you want me to

well, forgive me if the words are a bit incorrect. i wrote them from memory. right now, no one knows about this blog, i'm sure. but once discovered, all those who care about me will be able to see what my prayer has been through these past few long, cold days. you will ultimately see my peanut trail that takes me back home, because i have sung this song since i was in tenth grade. i always seem to stray fom what God has for me to what i have planned for myself. And i want to love God with my whole heart, so i know that he loves me first and that he has a full life for me. i guess i just let my pride get in the way when he tries to wash my feet so i can think that he won't try to lay his head upon my chest. oh father, rest with me and lay your head with mine. teach me your thoughts and help me number my days

another unoriginal blog

privacy, please
"i'm not a person who discusses all the ins and outs of what's going on with me ad nauseum. It betrays something that's mine, that's special to me. It's private, it's my stuff."

what is this all about? i'll post later, after i've pondered

well, i've pondered, i've had an opportunity to discuss these things with someone i consider reliable, we worked it out, and i have come to a conclusion.

first of all, this seems like a revolutionary idea! a real treasure. but it's like the sweet scroll that turns bitter in the tummy. this converstion came up one day while my friend and i were running errands for a wedding we were about to be in together and she asked me something about being a private person or sharing stuff or something that did not necessarily relate to this quote, but since i had mentioned it to her at a previous occasion and i had been pondering it, it brought it up again. oh, i remember, now.
we were talking about the scriptures that we had recently been reading and she said that her ans myself and another friend of ours should get together and share like we just had about what we were learning and what God was doing in our lives. she said that she doesn't see people around who share things, they say that their devotional time is "between them and God." I told her that i had heard the same thing, and though i do not agree entirely with that, it does have some value for the christian life. i thought about it for a moment and brought up this quote again and why i was having difficulty accepting it. because on one hand, it seems good to keep your private things hidden away, but then on the other hand, you are all alone. no one knows you.
so i told my dear friend these thoughts and reasoned out loud saying that christians are not called to be all alone, we are called to strengthen one another and bear each other's burdens. I told her that sharing what goes on in our lives shows the glory of God by testifying to his faithfulness and his goodness. i said though on the flipside, we are not going to be vulnerable like that to just anyone. there are somepeople you just do not trust to hold your life moments in confidence. there are some friends that you are just going to be closer to. and it is okay to tell and it is okay to be quiet.

so i concluded this mystery of being known and being private with the end consensus that the person who said this has at least one person he can talk to, and as christians, it is important o use discernment in sharing our own mysteries, because if everybody knows, it is no longer a mystery, but if no one knows, then we are not being apart of the family we were created for in Christ. that is an even more sad arrangement.

from my other blog

you know that feeling you get when you think you are on the verge of a huge change in your life, but then two weeks later, everything seems normal again? well i don't want normal anymore
if i could have only one thing in the world, one thing from the wide display that all of life implies it could offer: stuff, friends, love, excitement, adventure, academics, status, recreation, the stuff we could do for procreation..... really, anything at all, i hope i wouldn't choose any of it.
not to be one of those people who wade around in shallow humility, but i hope that i would just choose Christ. Because in Him, there is more excitement than any person can dare to contain, there is a love deeper than anyone can realize or grab onto, more adventure than we really care to know, and more passion than we have ever desired. all in one majestic, supreme, powerful God. How may times do i really choose this ecstacy over the "here and now".
how desperate a spiritual state i am in right now. i want the savior of my soul. i want the passion of his love for his sister and his bride. i want nothing more than to be enveloped in his perfection and sing him songs. will you sing with me?

the simple life

i just got my first cup of coffee for the day. it is 5 in the afternoon. i am at my second home, the legacy center. if you have been here, you know there is a black grand size piano in the corner of the lobby. every now and then, sweet people bless me by playing this thing while i am behind the desk minding my own business. more on that later.
today has been an exceptionally odd day. today i have felt like i do not even know myself. i am not lost and i do not feel lost, i just feel blank. have you ever felt blank? i do not know when it started. i think that maybe there is just so much on my mind right now about so many things like things people have said to me or not said, things i have done or have not done, decisions i have made or have not made, the possiblilities are endless.
so what do i do about a recently rennovated relationship? that was rearranged because i rearranged it? no i do not regret it. yes i believe that i did make the right decision. frightingly positive i did. but where does that leave love now? how do i still love him and care for him like my brother and a friend. because i do want to. i do care about him. but i cannot love him how i did, even if i wanted to. what do i do about that? what will become of this and what happens to the year and a half that we spent together? where does that go? i don't know yet.
and what about the "concerned" card that parents send you out of the blue when you fill them in on the occasions of life. every other coversation before was wonderful and they are so proud of you and they are happy with you doing the right things and then you call and tell them something you'd hope they would be understanding about, possibly even more excited than you about, but then they say '' i wasn't going to say this, but i am very concerned about you and i think you should come home.'' after we have already talked about how proud of me they were and how they understand if i do not come home and how i need to be able to fly on my own. this leaves me so bewildered and confused. because if i got the message that they were proud of me, then why would they be seriously concerned about me? and if it's really okay that i do not come home, then why do they still insist that i come back unless they really do not believe that i can do this whole life thing on my own. and by the way, i am still planning on going home in another year. i am going to go because i miss them and i love them very much. my parents have been perfecting this genuine love within me for as long as i can remember. my dad has shown me how to be faithful and forgiving and my mother has shown me what it is to have faith. i cannot imagine the person i would be had i not lived with them. the ways that i had to grow have been more intense than what i feel i have had to do recently. i hope that i can live near them when i am older, though i will be content if i cannot.
it takes alot for me to realize that when one gets their feet dirty in the muck of the world, it takes alot to get clean again. selfishness, conceit, hypocricy, anger, and anything that is not holy and pure, patient and loving, all cling to me and i hate it. it is like being eaten alive by leaches. it sucks out your very blood and life. everything starts to close in on you and then you are left alone because sin is very lonely. so maybe it is just that i have too much sin in my life. because sin can numb you among other things and when you are numb, you don't really feel a whole lot, and maybe that is why this is the first time i've been able to really write something i didn't want to throw away. i just need to take a long bath in the cool waters of the sea of forgetfulness and be revived in the love and purpose of the LORD. so pray friend, pray for me. ......c

Sunday, June 04, 2006

and the light shines bright

This is the message we have heard from him and prolcaim to you, that God is light and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with on another and the blood of Jesus his Son cleases us from sin. 1John 1:5-7
this scripure says in a few verses later that if we say we have no sin, we decieve ourselves, we call God a liar, and we are still as bad as we were when we started. i have noticed in my own walk, it becomes easy to brush my "little" sins under the rug and so i decieve myself and darkness creeps in. too often i feel like i have soo far to go and i am so behind in where i should be. i want the stuf inside of me to reflect the light of God, the goodness of God, not myself.
faced with many changes so far this summer, i know that i am so blessed to have a love like our father's. conviction sets in when darkness begins to prevail, but the sun also rises with the dawn, along with his mercies, anew every morning