Sunday, July 30, 2006

laughmakers

isn't that a fun word? Laughmaker? makes me happy just saying it.. laughmakers..

Heidelburg Catechism Question #1

Q. What is your only comfort in life and death?

A. That I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He also preserves me in such a way that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; indeed, all things must work together for my salvation. Therefore, by his Holy Spirit He also assures me of eternal life and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for Him.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

goodbye

i feel it all again
that hollow longing for someone
for forever
to know me. love me. care
alone again yet not all alone
i still
can't
believe.
reality, finality, so severe
i will mourn the loss
i will cherish the time
we used to spend
doing the things
we used to do
when we were us
no regrets
i will just miss
miss him
miss us
miss our things

But i will let go
i will care
enough
to let him live
and not
hold him back
when he wants
to love her

i will be
the one i hate
the one who is left
in the past
almost
forgotten
and i will sing all over again
of a love deeper
than the ocean
i will dream all over again
of love that's true
and mine
and sure
and forever
when i won't say

goodbye.

lyndsay taylor's when faith runs deep

A man can plan his steps but the Lord will lead him right or left.
Sometimes it seems that clear,
Sometimes it seems like years since we’ve heard Him speak
That’s when faith runs deep

It’s hard to see the time fly by and see things aren’t quite right in your life
When you feel you can’t give anymore of yourself, because it’s just too hard
That’s when faith runs deep

Like a stream that may freeze
In the spring it comes back with the leaves
Begins to flow and bring life
The stream will not remain still for too long
Before it must go on

So take hold of what you know
Take hold of love that doesn’t come and go
Take hold of his promises, Of his faithfulness
These are the times when faith runs deep

There is a time to give your all to run not walk and get up when you fall
But there’s a time for a place of rest and in that stillness, that’s when
Faith runs deep.

walk on your way

I am almost relucant to share this. so handle it gently.

WALK ON YOUR WAY

I guess the thing that hurts along the way
is that we will really be okay
you’ll find love in one other than me
I will be drifting in your mind by the sea
I’ll find love too, though it is not you
The First kiss will come again
And I won’t think of you

Because I can’t have you and you can’t have me and
maybe this is how its supposed to be
we’ll keep loving in ways we can’t see
so that has to be okay, yes, that has to be okay
walk on your way

when you finally ask those words
it won’t be to me
forever will come to you
like we always dreamed
I will really be okay
I’ll be invited to forever too
Yes will come and we’ll love together
The ones we’ll have to hold
Our worlds so separated
The days now so far gone

Because this is how it’s meant to be
We have set each other free
I still love you and you still love me
In some other forever is where we’ll be
so we’ll walk our ways and we will be okay
to love in ways we cannot see
cause this is how we’re meant to be.

with you all alone, Lord

I am in my house all alone right now and it is kind of scary. I guess the silence and the size of the space I get swallowed up here is not something I have been used to. There are too many things that I see in myself that need to be transformed into something more in the likeness of Christ. The parallel here is not something I am proud of. At times I hear the silence so loud I wonder if I am hearing the silence of what God is not saying or the loudness of what His silence means. And the mystery that swallows me up is that God is God. And I have lived in rebellion of this God who did not need permission to be God.
Praise Him that he has given me life, given you life, and has found that it was good that he gave His son for us, even while we were blind and unable to choose what was sinless.

I know that some people find an encouraging thread in the words I write, but in my own thought, I see a great immaturity, a worldly wisdom that is really nothing but foolishness and a deep self-centeredness I desire to root out. I don’t choose the right things, even if I know what it is. I don’t choose to grow when I see the opportunity. I do not choose what is sinless though I really do want to. By my actions however, I fear that I could not even defend this heart that I am supposed to have given to God. These things should not be so.

The gospel is hope for the nations. it is hope for my heart and its end is at peace with God, pure and faithful because of the Son, our Lord, Jesus. I crave the word of God, yet I do not make it my food. I do not crave it so much that I wait for satisfaction in it. I fill up my craving with the water that makes me thirst even more. I choose to put away the living water for another day, not realizing the life that could be mine from one sip of that sweet mercy water.

In so many ways and at so many times I feel more like the harlot, the Samaritan at the well instead of lady Wisdom and the one of proverbs 31. is this all in my own strength?
Am I trying to please the father by not needing him to help me though he can see that I am sinking into the depth of the oceans. Where will my next breath come from? Am I so wise to not realize the giver of life is reaching for my hand, waiting for my faith to be revived by the gaze I catch in his eye? Oh the heart break I must cause him day by day when I do not choose him and instead run after those things which cannot love me or desire to love me that way that he does. That way that grows in me to bless others in love.

So tonight, as I am alone in this large space, I will find God with me because he never left and I will spend this time with him as I have so far and I will let his love grow in me and I will love him by my obedience and I will find him the satisfaction of my life.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Tended Garden

to heed counsel of A Brother i have edited my entry.

a garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
song of solomon 4:12

purity contains a wholesome passion to love that person you care for eros-affectionately with a respect that does not betray their innocence. purity is a kindness that does not provoke one to lust or covet another. Purity allows another to see God in every act that you take towards them, so it must reflect the very heart of God to be considered holy and pure. Love is above anything proper but joyful, and if it is of God, it is a way of sanctification. Purity is the adventure of loving in obedience.

I am the garden locked. I pray the Keeper of the Garden give the key to her beloved soon.

___________________________________________________________________


so to clarify what i previously meant by the word erotic, i have replaced it with eros-affection because there are passions that are sinful and there are passions that lead to maturity. Deep affections toward the one you have intent to marry are much deeper than your friends. i think it is possible to think about the person you will marry as being an anonymous person, but not as if they will appear out of thin air. I think that it is very likely that part of the whole realization of finding who your husband or wife is comes when the husband or wife figure in your mind collides with the actual person in your life. Chances are they are alive and well: living life, possibly working, more likely being worked in and through for the glory of God, and maybe they are being matured as we now share this time. nevertheless, i think that people have thought about the specific love they will share with that one specific person, and that reserved love is what i am speaking of. Today it is confused with lust because it is not bridled. I do not think that passion is lust. i believe that it becomes lust when it carries us into our own purposes instead of being the opportunity for self-control.
I think self-control was more rampant in days past because there was a certain degree of desirable adventure in the waiting, a motivating thought of finally doing something right. At least that's how i see it. I think that part of the adventure was playing by the rules and winning hearts fairly. at least that's how i hope that those days will be for me and my beloved. i could go on and on about this and maybe i will later, but not now....

Hymn 538

Ask Ye What Great Thing I Know

Ask ye what great thing I know,That delights and stirs me so? What the high reward I win?Whose the Name I glory in? Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
What is faith’s foundation strong? What awakes my heart to song? He Who bore my sinful load, Purchased for me peace with God, Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
Who is He that makes me wise to discern where duty lies? Who is He that makes me true? duty, when discerned to do, Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
Who defeats my fiercest foes? Who consoles my saddest woes? Who revives my fainting heart, Healing all its hidden smart? Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
Who is life in life to me? Who the death of death will be? Who will place me on His right, With the countless hosts of light? Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
This is that great thing I know;This delights and stirs me so; Faith in Him Who died to save, Him Who triumphed over the grave: Jesus Christ, the Crucified.

in so many ways, could not believe that i sang this song last night at church. to me it was an answer to the deeper question i didn't realize i was asking. Either that or the vision of the real question i needed to ask. refer to redemption fireflies.
My Lord Jesus is the master of my heart, the all knowing and merciful Father, and the satisfaction of my soul. Friends, pray for me that I would have my heart set on our Lord and his kingdom and I would be actively pursuing the glory of God instead of the glory of men.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

moving...

so today i turned in the keys to my now former residence, Mullins dorm. 3rd floor left side, 3330.
last night i spent the night in my new room. all by myself. just thought i'd let you know...

Friday, July 14, 2006

so i have found myself in a place quite frequently now where my dreams are taking on dimension
and my heart is being overtaken by the Love of God. I am so grateful for and aware of the love that God lavishes upon me, not only as his daughter, but also as a part of his bride. i am learning in so many depths the truth that God is everything to me. i confess that i love him. He is magnificent enough to satisfy me in every way. He is my loving father that provides for my needs and causes me to find delight in pleasing him. He is to me a faithful companion and a best friend who loves me without making me feel like he has some thought about me that he would rather not share because it either demeans or embarrasses me. He is the excitement of my heart and I love to be still with him in this land. He is most to me, the living God, who is true and pure and holy and mine.
Life is so great a gift. we have these days to enjoy the creation of our God in so many beautiful ways.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

redemption fireflies

how far will redemption go, how deep will you reach to lift me up
please reach down far enough to feel my little heart cold
to blaze upon me the mysteries that you know

dear love, so much between the ins and outs,
so much between the sorrows and fasts,
i'm still waiting to be found by you, still waiting for your hand.

oh sing, sweet firefly sing with the voice that shines through rain
bring my song to the love that will find me once again
and lead him back to me to stay forever, kind firefly of rain,
bring my firefly to me so we can dance as one and reign.


i let a person read this when i first wrote it and he was like, are you saved? well, i am very much saved. so let me clear that up right now. i feel that i need to give you a background intro on this like i wish some artists would do when they write some great song. so you could understand what they meant.
it is very much about love. something i have been feeling puzzled and strange about. this is just how i explained myself. the first thing i guess i want to say is i don't know exactly who its to or what its about. i just know that for me, i have been sort of tallying against myself in matters of love and relationships. In my mind, relationships are supposed to last. friendships, marriage, bonds, they all assume a constancy, commitment to stay, a yes to forgiveness and a willing smile when asked to keep going. And i think i've failed when this does not happen. and i have felt it when ties are cut and hurt was involved. the questions sort of leave me grasping for something or someone to make it right. where there will be love that does not end on uncertain terms or change. at the end of the day, i sometimes feel like i'm asking to be redeemed from this. But how far does redemption go? how deep will someone reach to lift me up from what i feel is a very tight realm of failing and being failed? isn't that a cold and lonely thought? makes you feel small. But i know that the Love of God is much hotter and not only does God forgive where i think i've failed or where i've failed and not even realized it until later, the love and word of God comes to blaze upon me the mysteries of the Love of God. He warms my heart with the hope that though i do not understand why things happen like they do sometimes, those are the mysteries that he knows. And maybe when the right person finds the right other person, they'll understand the mysteries of why and blaze upon each other the mystery of forgiveness and love.
there have been times when i see love as a certain messenger of sorts and then there are times when i think of love as My Love. Where he's a person and he is coming and all i need to do is wait for him. so i write to communicate this waiting. So much happens between the ins and outs of everyones days. you, know? so much does change or can change in one single space of time. Things happen that shape you into who you become, how you think, what you allow to change your mind... change sometimes takes only one word or one glance and then things are done. and that doneness can bring either times of great joy or times of distance and sorrow. and then you let cleansing take over. don't you learn so much between the sorrows and the fasts, where you can't eat but your heat is open, you cry at times, but you know all is good. and when the sun comes out again, do you realize that Love is still on its way, that it is riding to meet you, and you, your'e still just waiting to be found, waiting just to hold their hand?
I wrote a poem to a boy once and he later threw it away, breaking my heart even more, but it went kind of like
my rain is my love, i bring sunshine to soothe the pain
your life is from above, i wash you with the rain..
I try to forget it because it was wasted and not given to someone worthy and now, well who would want a poem written for someone else. sorry, those days were the first sets of tallies. but anyways, i wrote about the rain being a very loving thing, because although it is tiresome at times, and not always pretty, it can be quite engaging and even more exciting than a sunny day.
Rain is a way of cleansing. it can wash away dirt, feed the green parts of earth, refresh us with the cooler temperature, soothe and calm us down. So love can rain upon us in pleasant or unpleasant ways and in what i wrote, i meant it to be the unpleasant kind. well, maybe not unpleasant, but definately not great. and love is either the love the person holds or the idea of love that holds me. i like the word firefly and they are magical at night, so i used the word. and that, ladies and g-men, is an explanation of an otherwise confusing piece of writing. or wait.. are you more confused now than before?...