i am feeling something that i can't quite describe. It is not loneliness or frustration or sadness or mindlessness; it is sort of a mad awareness of who I really am. which is really just another way to say what I am not.
i have been strangely aware of things lately. aware of my desires, aware of my surroundings and relationships. Aware of the circumstances that i get into. and the more that i am aware of these things, the more i dislike myself... the more i want to change. i want so desperately to know what it is that i should be striving for. I want to strive, but i want to strive for something that is worth the striving. i know that i am at this place for a reason and each time the situation changes, it will have changed for a reason. I want that reason to forever be that God is glorified more now than ever before. Is it wrong to think that way? i think my desire is to do the thing that most glorifies Him, through any change.
but is this the truth? would i not know what the right thing to do is for the simple reason that God has ordered my steps and that if i rely on him to lead me, doesn't he? if i was being obedient to what i thought he called me to would i not be restful on him and finding contentment and peace there? yes, i do desire God. But am i desiring him on my own terms or am i wanting Him as he is, unchangeable? Yes, i do want to do what he requires of me. He requires love and obedience. these foundational issues are the things that i am constantly thinking about. it is not enough to think these things. these things must be lived. it is not just that these things must be lived out. they can't be hidden.