Saturday, November 25, 2006

a tempest

i am feeling something that i can't quite describe. It is not loneliness or frustration or sadness or mindlessness; it is sort of a mad awareness of who I really am. which is really just another way to say what I am not.
i have been strangely aware of things lately. aware of my desires, aware of my surroundings and relationships. Aware of the circumstances that i get into. and the more that i am aware of these things, the more i dislike myself... the more i want to change. i want so desperately to know what it is that i should be striving for. I want to strive, but i want to strive for something that is worth the striving. i know that i am at this place for a reason and each time the situation changes, it will have changed for a reason. I want that reason to forever be that God is glorified more now than ever before. Is it wrong to think that way? i think my desire is to do the thing that most glorifies Him, through any change.
but is this the truth? would i not know what the right thing to do is for the simple reason that God has ordered my steps and that if i rely on him to lead me, doesn't he? if i was being obedient to what i thought he called me to would i not be restful on him and finding contentment and peace there? yes, i do desire God. But am i desiring him on my own terms or am i wanting Him as he is, unchangeable? Yes, i do want to do what he requires of me. He requires love and obedience. these foundational issues are the things that i am constantly thinking about. it is not enough to think these things. these things must be lived. it is not just that these things must be lived out. they can't be hidden.

Friday, November 24, 2006

after thanksgiving rest

it is five in the morning; i am nearly finished with my shift here at Legacy. it has been a long stretch, but i know that the Lord is good. i am blessed with a comfortable place to work. It is warm in here. My boss is good to me. At times he treats me as if i was his own daughter. i can't believe this semester is almost over. so much has changed in and around me since this time last year. i see things alot different than i saw them last year. i am growing in ways that i didn't expect or hope for or even desire. but it is all for the Lord i have decided. all the things i do and all the ways i fail. God is glorified in all things because he is God. So whether health or sickness, intellligence or stupidity, sorrow or laughter, i know that it is all for the good work of Christ to be fulfilled in me.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

domesticity

can the sophisticate still be sophisticated in a domestic world?
will her mind still flourish and find things unknown?
and if its influence she wants does she not have it there?
reading and writing, loving, cleaning with care?

she builds a house that is not shaken.
she uses her hands, builds life all around her.
she is a fountain of what should be.
her heart is ransomed by what we don't see.

my heart is in home things,
my mind bound to official things
but i am created to be at home and love it
my feet to walk about the house and build it.

Education in women, more the domestic sort,
reading, writing, holding down the fort.
so driven..so sure.. i am driven home..
to a new home where i don't love alone.