e a luz brilha mais

hope and hesitation

2007-01-17T19:31:00.000-09:00

part of me wants to jump and the other part says it's not right
one part says to let it go, the other just wants to fight
so i can't see the end and neither can you
i would still wait for love however long it took to bloom
but i can't ask of you the same, i couldn't ask that of you

there is too much within the wires
and love and promises aren't enough this time
it has to be right for me to give in cause then it's only safe
so our hearts need to stay hidden where they are
and the plans that we make have to be in singular

...

now

2007-01-03T14:45:00.000-09:00

sit around listen to inspiration
with this machine
that's obsessed with my time
waiting for something that i say
one brilliancy i can't wait
one song now, that's all i want to write

listening for right running keep running
finding all that's wrong
still hungry for what's not falling away
singing the song in mind
dancing the days away

something is so wrong here
nothing is silent
except you.

writing

2007-01-02T10:37:00.000-09:00

so long coming
the words i only say to you
remember all the melodies
you have only heard
sing them back to me
when i have nothing left
whisper back the promises
that only you can make
i will be free, i will be free.

love songs

2006-12-27T13:24:00.000-09:00

i bring my pen and book
to write what you say today.
the words i hear too sweet to know,
but You tell me anyways:

"There is a world more beautiful than here
a sea too blue for you to see,
but one day I will take you from this place,
and I'll take you walking out on the sea."

Lord, I am too dirty to go there.
" My Son has crimsonly washed you clean
And made a robe your favorite color
for that day you come home to me."

"That day you cannot know but I know you will be faithful
For my love found you first and I knew what I was getting into."

still

2006-12-22T16:50:00.000-09:00

Paradise in Winter
is like my heart on fire
burning to share
a warmth that melts ice

warm love and all alone
and still my world cold
yet i am satisfied still
and if so still why do I
still dream

mostly just the idea- Love
that's what i'm in love with
what's trust? what is time?
i just don't want to lose this time

closeness that won't go away
in a friend that loves God more than me
connexion that feels you come and leave a room
a lover whose jealous fury would consume

a love that just does not die
a gentleness that rocks me when i cry
patience that understands me through and through
and a merciful forgiveness reborn with the dew.

waiting

2006-12-16T11:18:00.000-09:00

waiting in moonlit nights at the beaches
feel my addiction to the crashing waves
i hope our love is the adventure of our dreams
no sense at all, see how you've affected me?

come and claim my heart for yours
share this ocean and songs of hope
lead me to the One to whom
we'll give thanks and pray

the One who made the oceans calms the rain
we'll be only grateful as we pray
this life he's given so undeserved
and the showers of goodness so unreserved

life so sure and bright and fair
planned since something called time
and i was completely unaware.

already done

2006-12-16T11:04:00.000-09:00

things of yesterday
i'm glad they're gone
pain i've suffered
harm i've caused

will i never forget
or always dream so vividly
of every detail i've lived here
why and what for and
when does this end
will heaven be the only solace

tomorrow holds the only hope
of the mercy and absence of sorrow
you won for me yesterday

maybe
deeper that i dream
the reason for all this
the days of some sort of purpose
yet in my reason so pointless

lives and loves that we could've lead
we could've not shared this distance
we don't have to walk the way that i thought
but we could've loved at least
and we just let sin get in the way

what would i have done to make
sure we didn't have these wishes
of doing something better
doing something right

what didn't i do to forgo distress
to avoid the mess of what we did
and didn't do and now that push pull
towards what we should have done.

lessons

2006-12-16T10:58:00.000-09:00

baked brown, all undone
sun shines brightly on my fun
matching couples sea shell searching
tell of ways they won

what shall i do when they ask me why
i bathe in the wintry sun
i'll blush and smile and just
ask them to join in my fun

the big blue is all i need
because you're here with me
i'm glad you made the wind
that sings of what you did

sugar coated in sand so sweet
all the white sand clings to me
the sun kisses my skin so softly
the ocean sings her own melody

what lesson have i to learn here
what treasure have i found
a beauty deep like the ocean
amidst the horror of where sin abounds

the beautiful Son

2006-12-16T10:44:00.000-09:00

what future goes from here
i've known this place my whole life
grown up now
lived alot of mistakes and strife

but you've always helped me sort it out
you've always helped me sort it out
God, you see dreams i could never see
made plans i'll only find along the way

help me now admit this fear
do not leave me all alone
because i'm scared of all the things
i've never done and all those things
i did. i wonder if they keep me
from the person i could have been

i know you're love and justice
i know you're peace and freedom

cause if this was the plan
you knew i'd mess up at every place
you use it to bring us to new mercies
everyday, to bring us new memories
of your grace

can i ever just be worthy, can i ever
be so beautiful that i'm the one you love?
never, except by your beautiful Son
never, only by your beautiful Son

the Ifs

2006-12-16T10:14:00.000-09:00

if love were not so necessary, i doubt i would like to give in to it at all. i would hate it in fact, if it were not so encompassing of who i am.. for i dearly love to love. and forgive. and hope against hope that i will have that certain kind of love where my Love is my best friend and he knows me as such a vulnerable creature he must protect, where his name for me is sweetly spoken, where i long to hear him and submit to his every wish because his banner over me is love, where we laugh and sing and poke fun at each's every angle since honest deep love is so sure, even in faults and flaws. I hope for a love where we grow in life and mind and we age gloriously whether happy or hard, and we grow forever together in heart and spirit and soul, where it comes to be impossible there was ever anyone so well suited. I think it is a sweet completion not in each other alone, but in a love for our Savior and in a longing for heaven-- where we are so completely entranced by where we are going, more still who we are going to, hoping for a completion too sinless and pure to ever be found in this world. i want a partner in love with the Maker of heaven and earth, one captivated by his love, who longs for that City of God so unblemished by pride and selfishness. That city where the face of the Son glows brightly with Love, and lights up the whole city, because his bride is finally his.

disappointment

2006-12-16T10:07:00.000-09:00

i feel your disappointment
the glow from your eyes is gone
i need you to speak up
give me truth when i'm wrong

selfishness disintegrates all love
hate flourishes in between
all we fight to gain, hide to keep
and you say you still love us

no peace here, no answers
just questions that vex our souls
we see and then forget, just forget
all the works you've done.

secrets

2006-12-16T09:39:00.000-09:00

there's something in the air
about the grass of ocean beaches
the water glassy welcomes me back
sea gulls ask me why i ever left

i'm so in love
my heart so free to baske in this sun
seaside dreams finally alive
i come undone

the sky so blue today
my heart bright like the sun
Florida is my home again
now forever my heart its won

endless green, wintry weather fair
keeping this all to myself i cannot bear
Oh, Love come to me these days of youth
to share with me dreams & prophecies untold

i hope for you with all my heart
whoever you are, i know where you aren't
come and never leave me alone

come Lord, and steal away my heart
shadow over my soul
show me depths of love i have never known

2006-12-16T09:30:00.000-09:00

sunshine in my eyes
dirt roads so soft and worn
shadows of who i am
and i will shine brighter than this sun

in the glory of the King changing me
i want to be like him, even just his dream

endless bluegreen ocean
white sugar beaches
this my haven, my home

i love you more than this, Jesus,
i love you more that this

change

2006-12-16T08:54:00.000-09:00

paved roads were just dirt when i was young
now bay clubs, yaht clubs, boats all around
not bad things, yet not what this used to be
you're building things upon my dreams,
you're changing everything.

all the while you've been working in the seasons i haven't seen
and i see all this newness amidst what used to be
you're always working change while you're unchangeable
and i am so weak, influenced and vulnerable

thomas Drive, the main gate how long, how many
more days will we wait to be what we'll become
the bay, seaside and watercolor just need your word
i just need your bread, i've got broken jars,
you have water uncontainable

hope of love and life all rest in you Jesus
in all change within and without slumber
awaken my soul to your sunrise and
call me to come, i will walk on water.

in all this change you'll change me
and in all this unrest you're my rest
you're my only Love, Jesus, you're my only Love
you're the only Love, sweet Jesus, you're the only Love.

building houses

2006-12-07T06:29:00.000-09:00

there are so many people all about something. Men driven by something are all about the emergent church. Men all about something go to school , meet goals, work hard, have an aim..
they all have a dream. Men and women who cure diseases are driven by something so hard all they can see is healing. People all about something invent ways of getting where they want to be.
so the thing i have been wondering lately is, " what am i all about? what is it that drives me? where am i going? what is the thing that i am gravitationg toward? I have big dreams; i don't think any of them are small on the scale. would it be okay if i didn't see those dreams come to life? probably, because dreams are not the mission or purpose in life. Dreams are the expressions of how a person desires to accomplish their purpose and mission in life. The purpose of all mankind is to love and glorify God and then to love people. our dreams should be the things that do this most thoroughly. what are my dreams? there are so many, where do i start? What have i always wanted to do? i want to learn languages and american sign language, be an interpreter, teach, work hard, have a husband and be his wife in every sense of the word; help him in all things. Be a mother, adopt children, write books, sing on a cd, make a huge difference somehow, someway.

i used to have this dream where i was building this house and i was working so hard at it and i was doing the best that i could. then i got tired and looked up and saw others around me building their houses as if they had a different plan than i had. Not a better plan, just a different plan. it kept having this dream night after night and i began to think to myself about what i was doing wrong. Have you ever gotten that feeling that tells you that no matter what you are doing and no matter how hard you are trying to do it well, you are still somehow just not doing it right?
i was given Psalm 127 that reads, unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. now i keep having this dream that i am given so much that i don't deserve. And i can't even object to any of it. i have no choice or say in the matters. i am just set in the midst of so many wonderful things and am only expected to enjoy it an use it to bless others. And in my dream, that blessing is a beautiful home that i did not build with things in it that i did not buy, and love within it that i did not earn. isn't all of life like this? i mean, in spite of heartache and loneliness and worry and fear and doubt and lack of... whatever we lack, God had given us one purpose. To love and fear Him. this alone is a blessing to amazing for words. God has chosen a people so unlikely to be his bride and we, all we have to do is love him and love the people he has made. And we get to dream of ways to glorify God. I keep thinking of where it says in 2nd Peter that there will be a city where we have no sin to deal with. OH Blessedness! How perfect that day will be! I want that city to be mine! i don't want to sin anymore. i want to live in that place where righteousness dwells. I want to live each day sinless and unbound by this madness that so easily entangles and suffocates. I want to live this now and show people what we hope for. i want to live a love that gives people hope..

a tempest

2006-11-25T17:47:00.000-09:00

i am feeling something that i can't quite describe. It is not loneliness or frustration or sadness or mindlessness; it is sort of a mad awareness of who I really am. which is really just another way to say what I am not.
i have been strangely aware of things lately. aware of my desires, aware of my surroundings and relationships. Aware of the circumstances that i get into. and the more that i am aware of these things, the more i dislike myself... the more i want to change. i want so desperately to know what it is that i should be striving for. I want to strive, but i want to strive for something that is worth the striving. i know that i am at this place for a reason and each time the situation changes, it will have changed for a reason. I want that reason to forever be that God is glorified more now than ever before. Is it wrong to think that way? i think my desire is to do the thing that most glorifies Him, through any change.
but is this the truth? would i not know what the right thing to do is for the simple reason that God has ordered my steps and that if i rely on him to lead me, doesn't he? if i was being obedient to what i thought he called me to would i not be restful on him and finding contentment and peace there? yes, i do desire God. But am i desiring him on my own terms or am i wanting Him as he is, unchangeable? Yes, i do want to do what he requires of me. He requires love and obedience. these foundational issues are the things that i am constantly thinking about. it is not enough to think these things. these things must be lived. it is not just that these things must be lived out. they can't be hidden.

after thanksgiving rest

2006-11-24T01:09:00.000-09:00

it is five in the morning; i am nearly finished with my shift here at Legacy. it has been a long stretch, but i know that the Lord is good. i am blessed with a comfortable place to work. It is warm in here. My boss is good to me. At times he treats me as if i was his own daughter. i can't believe this semester is almost over. so much has changed in and around me since this time last year. i see things alot different than i saw them last year. i am growing in ways that i didn't expect or hope for or even desire. but it is all for the Lord i have decided. all the things i do and all the ways i fail. God is glorified in all things because he is God. So whether health or sickness, intellligence or stupidity, sorrow or laughter, i know that it is all for the good work of Christ to be fulfilled in me.

domesticity

2006-11-16T14:50:00.000-09:00

can the sophisticate still be sophisticated in a domestic world?
will her mind still flourish and find things unknown?
and if its influence she wants does she not have it there?
reading and writing, loving, cleaning with care?

she builds a house that is not shaken.
she uses her hands, builds life all around her.
she is a fountain of what should be.
her heart is ransomed by what we don't see.

my heart is in home things,
my mind bound to official things
but i am created to be at home and love it
my feet to walk about the house and build it.

Education in women, more the domestic sort,
reading, writing, holding down the fort.
so driven..so sure.. i am driven home..
to a new home where i don't love alone.

unafraid

2006-10-27T04:24:00.000-08:00

i am unafraid
of all that is planned for me
to take on everything
i will take the life you've lived
and make it my own
i will take you with me
as i walk along

though there's so much that i don't know Jesus,
i know you'll lead me where i need to go
though my heart may bleed along the way,
with you is the only way i could ever go.

so i am unafraid
to give this life take up my cross
live my life with you in love
to walk through each day
with patience in one hand,
forgiveness in the other
i will shift blame to no one.

i am unafraid to choose what you've chosen
i am happy to stand in your shadow
and look up, there you are, My Savior
i will laugh at tomorrow.

we will be unafraid

2006-10-22T02:25:00.000-08:00

i am so hopeful again of things that could be
and still so afraid to make a fool of myself because of love
i don't want to forget anymore
of all i used to want to be, all i wanted to do

there is a man who can overpower these inhibitions
and do all those things, be all those things with me
there is a man who will overpower time and circumstance
someone who will win my heart and live out dreams with me
i couldn't resist him even though i try.

and he will come and we will know. and we won't tell
so fast. we will dance and learn. we will laugh and know
how love was meant to be. we will hope together, love
together, strive to make the world how it will be. together.

and we will make fools of ourselves because of love
we will be unafraid

good and perfect gifts

2006-10-19T22:05:00.000-08:00

every good and perfect gift is from God. in the chapel message tuesday, Dr Coppenger was talking about how love is being able to lose yourself in someone else- referring to not making 'critical' social connections and rather talking to whomever has your company- and he also said that God has given us wonderful things for his glory. i thought about this verse, that every good and perfect gift is from God. so if you take this, and apply it to new friends and new seasons of life, the greatest thing to live out is a love that loves because it glorifies God. if God has given me this season of newness, i should glorify him in it by loving both the things that he has blessed me with as well as the people and circumstances.

the way we used to be

2006-10-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

it's the way the wind blew in our hair
the way the rain came down and we stared
it' s the way we laugh so hard it hurt
the way we never brought home our books
it's the way we believed ourselves
when we said we'd never leave
and the way we lived each day
as if it was the smallest dream
And now we remember like it was yesterday
all those things we loved and did
once together,now apart,the workday will begin
you and i are just memories of all we used to be
now our dreams of class & college begin high school all over again
pulling to go back pushing to go forward we're never satisfied until we find tomorrow.

lullaby

2006-10-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

pretty baby
one day you'll leave me
one day you'll fly
but let me hold you for a few days
let me teach you life

pretty baby are you lonely
don't forget where your home is
take it all in, learn right and wrong
don't forget truth as you run along

pretty baby
are you loving?
learn to love in truth and light
love your Savior and the Father
They send One to help you fight

Pretty baby
you're not all mine
you are not even your own

Listen for and follow the One who made you
until He leads and calls you home.

on my mind

2006-10-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

where do i start? there is so much that has been on my mind these past few days. weeks. months. And it seems that they have been around for years.

these days, living life is soo good. and they are better than before. of course there are troubles, but they are a comfort. they make me press on. Yes, i have been tired and busy, but it makes me rest in Jesus and refine my priorities. i get to learn what is really important. and yes, i have not been good at life, but this sobers me and i know that i cannot do any good thing apart from the only One who is GOOD. this lets me cry out Abba, Father! when i have been all alone because sometimes no one can know except God who holds me.

so what is this all about? it is about the gospel making full circle in the lives of the children of God. the gospel is so earthy. it is so real. and it is for everyone. the gospel gives me reason to sing in my heart, cry from incantescent joy because i am redeemed! and so are my brothers and sisters! and so are all those who believe in Jesus who is the son of the Only God and call upon Him for salvation, and all those who repent and obey his word.

i am encouraged by the love of the body of Christ and i am so grateful for the deep uncontainable love of God.

xoxoxox

2006-09-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

I am not ready for it yet, but I long for it to be right. I long and look forward to the time when I will know. The rightness of it all will tell me that I am ready for it. I am not in a hurry. I know that there are many profitable things for me to do now, while it is just Christ and me. And I know that I will regret things if I choose what I think I want for life now rather than choosing what I need to choose so that the love of Christ will be perfected in me. I want to learn to love people, learn and relearn compassion and graciousness. I want to learn to be a kind person and an amazing wife. I have many flaws. None of which are too great for God to mold into something glorious for himself, and none of which would be impossible to extract while in the midst of a relationship. Nevertheless, I do not want to be so close. I want and desire friendship, but that is all. I want brotherly affection and I do not want to withdraw and be untouchable. I want a friend. Someone I can study with and talks to about important things... someone who likes being my friend… someone who is genuinely like me but different…someone who happens to be a guy. I think it is just that I feel overwhelmed right now and I should be focused on other things. But in case anyone wants to know, this is where I am.

waiting

2006-09-09T19:23:00.002-08:00

Rocks at our graves
Tell of who we used to be
And we’re gathered
Waiting
For more than our family or friends
We are waiting to be raised again

All I see is rest
No more distress or
Waiting for silence
This is peace I do not understand

Beyond what I can see
Behold, waits the Creator
To come, to show me what I’ve been missing
I’ve been missing Eden

To be where there is no sin to fight
No thing to fear, but perfect love,
Step into this other world and
There is no time
When it’s over, it’s begun.

played

2006-09-05T19:59:00.000-08:00

so this b-e-a-utiful day i decided to go to the park and read. while at the park with my lug of a sys theology book, i meet this guy who decides he wants to talk to me about religious stuff. we had a really great conversation. he agreed with me about somethings and then, when in a different light he disagreed on the same issue. it amazes me that a person with his knowledge still does not accept the truth. it breaks my heart. he was talking circles around himself and basing his belief on something that was spiritual but not life-changing. he says that he believes that the bible is true, but then he denies its power by saying that in its translation men altered the meaning of it and the only real book given directly by God was the book of revelation, bc of the instruction at the end about not adding or subtracting anything from the book. He knows his facts. He knows the history. he knows what he thinks and what he believes. he even knows specifics. but he has no compassion. he wants debate. he is in love with contradicting the truth and finding paths around it. my heart goes out to him and pleads that he see and that he know and that he feel the weight of the gospel and that he is overcome by the love of Christ.
Dear friends, please pray for him that his eyes would be open that he could hear the words of Christ in the whole word of God, the Bible, and that he would not be deceived by the evil one he believes is non-existant. And pray for me as well, that the Lord would work through me and that i would be faithful to the gospel, that is my hope.

i know what i want.

2006-08-24T18:32:00.000-08:00

change seems to be taking over my life lately. But in a good way though. I am not complaining. if i seem a bit melancholy, i am because i just got yelled at by three different people. You know that hollow feeling you get whenever you are yelled at? that's how i have been feeling for the past hour and a half..
so i have been wondering alot like i do, and it has been about alot of things not really related per se, but i guess that's just like me too. together but random. tonight when i got chewed up i really just wanted a friend to say it was okay and to come and hold me. i have been missing my daily quota of hugs these days.. much to my sadness.
i have so many questions lately. like when i should actually be done with school, if i should really take four classes and why. maybe i should audit them and save money for later. what do sertain people really think about me and what do i actually think about myself. When will i actually stop messing around and pursue the life i should be living. there is an opportunity in my life right now to minister to an older lady. i tried to call her yesterday and she didn't pick up. i didn't even know what i was going to say if she did pick up. i have felt ashamed sort of because of the inadequecy i have been feeling about myself in relation to ministry. i guess i have just been ashamed of the person i am.
i want to be a good daughter. i want to honor my parents and be a blessing to them. i want to please God and worship him with my life. i want him to penetrate every inch of who i am, what makes me Cassie and i want to love others deeply. Like the Father. That is what i really want. i mean there are other things too, but what i really want is to want the right things at the right times. i know there is a right time for everything. so yep, thanks for taking the time to read this.
good.nite, cassh

Hmmm...

2006-08-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

So i think of great names aalot because a good name is a pretty important thing and i have decided that if i ever get to have a dog, i want to name him Ralph.

laughmakers

2006-07-30T14:23:00.001-08:00

isn't that a fun word? Laughmaker? makes me happy just saying it.. laughmakers..

Heidelburg Catechism Question #1

2006-07-30T14:23:00.000-08:00

Q. What is your only comfort in life and death?

A. That I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He also preserves me in such a way that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; indeed, all things must work together for my salvation. Therefore, by his Holy Spirit He also assures me of eternal life and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for Him.

goodbye

2006-07-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

i feel it all again
that hollow longing for someone
for forever
to know me. love me. care
alone again yet not all alone
i still
can't
believe.
reality, finality, so severe
i will mourn the loss
i will cherish the time
we used to spend
doing the things
we used to do
when we were us
no regrets
i will just miss
miss him
miss us
miss our things

But i will let go
i will care
enough
to let him live
and not
hold him back
when he wants
to love her

i will be
the one i hate
the one who is left
in the past
almost
forgotten
and i will sing all over again
of a love deeper
than the ocean
i will dream all over again
of love that's true
and mine
and sure
and forever
when i won't say

goodbye.

lyndsay taylor's when faith runs deep

2006-07-29T15:59:00.000-08:00

A man can plan his steps but the Lord will lead him right or left.
Sometimes it seems that clear,
Sometimes it seems like years since we’ve heard Him speak
That’s when faith runs deep

It’s hard to see the time fly by and see things aren’t quite right in your life
When you feel you can’t give anymore of yourself, because it’s just too hard
That’s when faith runs deep

Like a stream that may freeze
In the spring it comes back with the leaves
Begins to flow and bring life
The stream will not remain still for too long
Before it must go on

So take hold of what you know
Take hold of love that doesn’t come and go
Take hold of his promises, Of his faithfulness
These are the times when faith runs deep

There is a time to give your all to run not walk and get up when you fall
But there’s a time for a place of rest and in that stillness, that’s when
Faith runs deep.

walk on your way

2006-07-29T15:43:00.000-08:00

I am almost relucant to share this. so handle it gently.

WALK ON YOUR WAY

I guess the thing that hurts along the way
is that we will really be okay
you’ll find love in one other than me
I will be drifting in your mind by the sea
I’ll find love too, though it is not you
The First kiss will come again
And I won’t think of you

Because I can’t have you and you can’t have me and
maybe this is how its supposed to be
we’ll keep loving in ways we can’t see
so that has to be okay, yes, that has to be okay
walk on your way

when you finally ask those words
it won’t be to me
forever will come to you
like we always dreamed
I will really be okay
I’ll be invited to forever too
Yes will come and we’ll love together
The ones we’ll have to hold
Our worlds so separated
The days now so far gone

Because this is how it’s meant to be
We have set each other free
I still love you and you still love me
In some other forever is where we’ll be
so we’ll walk our ways and we will be okay
to love in ways we cannot see
cause this is how we’re meant to be.

with you all alone, Lord

2006-07-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

I am in my house all alone right now and it is kind of scary. I guess the silence and the size of the space I get swallowed up here is not something I have been used to. There are too many things that I see in myself that need to be transformed into something more in the likeness of Christ. The parallel here is not something I am proud of. At times I hear the silence so loud I wonder if I am hearing the silence of what God is not saying or the loudness of what His silence means. And the mystery that swallows me up is that God is God. And I have lived in rebellion of this God who did not need permission to be God.
Praise Him that he has given me life, given you life, and has found that it was good that he gave His son for us, even while we were blind and unable to choose what was sinless.

I know that some people find an encouraging thread in the words I write, but in my own thought, I see a great immaturity, a worldly wisdom that is really nothing but foolishness and a deep self-centeredness I desire to root out. I don’t choose the right things, even if I know what it is. I don’t choose to grow when I see the opportunity. I do not choose what is sinless though I really do want to. By my actions however, I fear that I could not even defend this heart that I am supposed to have given to God. These things should not be so.

The gospel is hope for the nations. it is hope for my heart and its end is at peace with God, pure and faithful because of the Son, our Lord, Jesus. I crave the word of God, yet I do not make it my food. I do not crave it so much that I wait for satisfaction in it. I fill up my craving with the water that makes me thirst even more. I choose to put away the living water for another day, not realizing the life that could be mine from one sip of that sweet mercy water.

In so many ways and at so many times I feel more like the harlot, the Samaritan at the well instead of lady Wisdom and the one of proverbs 31. is this all in my own strength?
Am I trying to please the father by not needing him to help me though he can see that I am sinking into the depth of the oceans. Where will my next breath come from? Am I so wise to not realize the giver of life is reaching for my hand, waiting for my faith to be revived by the gaze I catch in his eye? Oh the heart break I must cause him day by day when I do not choose him and instead run after those things which cannot love me or desire to love me that way that he does. That way that grows in me to bless others in love.

So tonight, as I am alone in this large space, I will find God with me because he never left and I will spend this time with him as I have so far and I will let his love grow in me and I will love him by my obedience and I will find him the satisfaction of my life.

The Tended Garden

2006-07-20T14:35:00.000-08:00

to heed counsel of A Brother i have edited my entry.

a garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
song of solomon 4:12

purity contains a wholesome passion to love that person you care for eros-affectionately with a respect that does not betray their innocence. purity is a kindness that does not provoke one to lust or covet another. Purity allows another to see God in every act that you take towards them, so it must reflect the very heart of God to be considered holy and pure. Love is above anything proper but joyful, and if it is of God, it is a way of sanctification. Purity is the adventure of loving in obedience.

I am the garden locked. I pray the Keeper of the Garden give the key to her beloved soon.

___________________________________________________________________

so to clarify what i previously meant by the word erotic, i have replaced it with eros-affection because there are passions that are sinful and there are passions that lead to maturity. Deep affections toward the one you have intent to marry are much deeper than your friends. i think it is possible to think about the person you will marry as being an anonymous person, but not as if they will appear out of thin air. I think that it is very likely that part of the whole realization of finding who your husband or wife is comes when the husband or wife figure in your mind collides with the actual person in your life. Chances are they are alive and well: living life, possibly working, more likely being worked in and through for the glory of God, and maybe they are being matured as we now share this time. nevertheless, i think that people have thought about the specific love they will share with that one specific person, and that reserved love is what i am speaking of. Today it is confused with lust because it is not bridled. I do not think that passion is lust. i believe that it becomes lust when it carries us into our own purposes instead of being the opportunity for self-control.
I think self-control was more rampant in days past because there was a certain degree of desirable adventure in the waiting, a motivating thought of finally doing something right. At least that's how i see it. I think that part of the adventure was playing by the rules and winning hearts fairly. at least that's how i hope that those days will be for me and my beloved. i could go on and on about this and maybe i will later, but not now....

Hymn 538

2006-07-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

Ask Ye What Great Thing I Know

Ask ye what great thing I know,That delights and stirs me so? What the high reward I win?Whose the Name I glory in? Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
What is faith’s foundation strong? What awakes my heart to song? He Who bore my sinful load, Purchased for me peace with God, Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
Who is He that makes me wise to discern where duty lies? Who is He that makes me true? duty, when discerned to do, Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
Who defeats my fiercest foes? Who consoles my saddest woes? Who revives my fainting heart, Healing all its hidden smart? Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
Who is life in life to me? Who the death of death will be? Who will place me on His right, With the countless hosts of light? Jesus Christ, the Crucified.
This is that great thing I know;This delights and stirs me so; Faith in Him Who died to save, Him Who triumphed over the grave: Jesus Christ, the Crucified.

in so many ways, could not believe that i sang this song last night at church. to me it was an answer to the deeper question i didn't realize i was asking. Either that or the vision of the real question i needed to ask. refer to redemption fireflies.

My Lord Jesus is the master of my heart, the all knowing and merciful Father, and the satisfaction of my soul. Friends, pray for me that I would have my heart set on our Lord and his kingdom and I would be actively pursuing the glory of God instead of the glory of men.

moving...

2006-07-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

so today i turned in the keys to my now former residence, Mullins dorm. 3rd floor left side, 3330.
last night i spent the night in my new room. all by myself. just thought i'd let you know...

2006-07-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

so i have found myself in a place quite frequently now where my dreams are taking on dimension
and my heart is being overtaken by the Love of God. I am so grateful for and aware of the love that God lavishes upon me, not only as his daughter, but also as a part of his bride. i am learning in so many depths the truth that God is everything to me. i confess that i love him. He is magnificent enough to satisfy me in every way. He is my loving father that provides for my needs and causes me to find delight in pleasing him. He is to me a faithful companion and a best friend who loves me without making me feel like he has some thought about me that he would rather not share because it either demeans or embarrasses me. He is the excitement of my heart and I love to be still with him in this land. He is most to me, the living God, who is true and pure and holy and mine.
Life is so great a gift. we have these days to enjoy the creation of our God in so many beautiful ways.

redemption fireflies

2006-07-11T17:03:00.000-08:00

how far will redemption go, how deep will you reach to lift me up
please reach down far enough to feel my little heart cold
to blaze upon me the mysteries that you know

dear love, so much between the ins and outs,
so much between the sorrows and fasts,
i'm still waiting to be found by you, still waiting for your hand.

oh sing, sweet firefly sing with the voice that shines through rain
bring my song to the love that will find me once again
and lead him back to me to stay forever, kind firefly of rain,
bring my firefly to me so we can dance as one and reign.

i let a person read this when i first wrote it and he was like, are you saved? well, i am very much saved. so let me clear that up right now. i feel that i need to give you a background intro on this like i wish some artists would do when they write some great song. so you could understand what they meant.

it is very much about love. something i have been feeling puzzled and strange about. this is just how i explained myself. the first thing i guess i want to say is i don't know exactly who its to or what its about. i just know that for me, i have been sort of tallying against myself in matters of love and relationships. In my mind, relationships are supposed to last. friendships, marriage, bonds, they all assume a constancy, commitment to stay, a yes to forgiveness and a willing smile when asked to keep going. And i think i've failed when this does not happen. and i have felt it when ties are cut and hurt was involved. the questions sort of leave me grasping for something or someone to make it right. where there will be love that does not end on uncertain terms or change. at the end of the day, i sometimes feel like i'm asking to be redeemed from this. But how far does redemption go? how deep will someone reach to lift me up from what i feel is a very tight realm of failing and being failed? isn't that a cold and lonely thought? makes you feel small. But i know that the Love of God is much hotter and not only does God forgive where i think i've failed or where i've failed and not even realized it until later, the love and word of God comes to blaze upon me the mysteries of the Love of God. He warms my heart with the hope that though i do not understand why things happen like they do sometimes, those are the mysteries that he knows. And maybe when the right person finds the right other person, they'll understand the mysteries of why and blaze upon each other the mystery of forgiveness and love.

there have been times when i see love as a certain messenger of sorts and then there are times when i think of love as My Love. Where he's a person and he is coming and all i need to do is wait for him. so i write to communicate this waiting. So much happens between the ins and outs of everyones days. you, know? so much does change or can change in one single space of time. Things happen that shape you into who you become, how you think, what you allow to change your mind... change sometimes takes only one word or one glance and then things are done. and that doneness can bring either times of great joy or times of distance and sorrow. and then you let cleansing take over. don't you learn so much between the sorrows and the fasts, where you can't eat but your heat is open, you cry at times, but you know all is good. and when the sun comes out again, do you realize that Love is still on its way, that it is riding to meet you, and you, your'e still just waiting to be found, waiting just to hold their hand?

I wrote a poem to a boy once and he later threw it away, breaking my heart even more, but it went kind of like

my rain is my love, i bring sunshine to soothe the pain

your life is from above, i wash you with the rain..

I try to forget it because it was wasted and not given to someone worthy and now, well who would want a poem written for someone else. sorry, those days were the first sets of tallies. but anyways, i wrote about the rain being a very loving thing, because although it is tiresome at times, and not always pretty, it can be quite engaging and even more exciting than a sunny day.

Rain is a way of cleansing. it can wash away dirt, feed the green parts of earth, refresh us with the cooler temperature, soothe and calm us down. So love can rain upon us in pleasant or unpleasant ways and in what i wrote, i meant it to be the unpleasant kind. well, maybe not unpleasant, but definately not great. and love is either the love the person holds or the idea of love that holds me. i like the word firefly and they are magical at night, so i used the word. and that, ladies and g-men, is an explanation of an otherwise confusing piece of writing. or wait.. are you more confused now than before?...

the day

2006-06-30T17:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my mind is wrecked by all that i can't see. My thoughts, not yours, make up these dreams. I want you alone to make my way straight and iron out the wrinkles that i make. i
think too much at times. i wear myself out. would you crush these things i think i need... tear them to the ground? i want you to tear down the storehouses of my dreams and give back to
me your visions. take my desires for that One to love and give me back your wisdom. Take my need for love and give back to me a passion for your kingdom.

help me to know your love, know your word, your heart soo sure,
that i find peace and contentment in the grace that i am yours.

PATIENCE AND LONGSUFFERING

2006-06-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

what do i really know about either of these.. because as of now, those sweet streams of love are not running quite as full and smooth as they should. so, confessions of the not so pure and lowly.

i thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly i was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But i have received mercy because i had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace

of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom i am foremost. But i have received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to beleive in him for eternal life. to the King of ages, immortal , invisible, the only God,

be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen

first of all then, i urge that supplications, prayers, intercesions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high postitions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our savior, who desires all people to be saved and come into knowledge of the truth.

for there is one God , and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.....

.....paul to timothy, in the first letter.

Love is like........

2006-06-23T07:49:00.000-08:00

Love is like going to the frig to satisify some hunger and opening the door only to find a completely empty icebox... or one with mustard in it.

one day dad will be back from grocery shopping....

whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
psalm 73.25,26

the piano man

2006-06-22T17:21:00.000-08:00

a man in a pink shirt is playing the piano for me in the lobby tonite. ahh, the sound of music....
i do think that music must be a huge part of my life all the time....

i'm a sinner too

2006-06-22T14:19:00.000-08:00

I hate when people lie to me and even more when they know I know they are lying, and yet they lie straight to my face. Also, i hate when people unreasonably question the integrity of the honest and professional establishment of this here legacy center. i hate it because not only is it a stab to the service and hospitality of the hotel, but also to the seminary, and then a stab to me personally, because they write me off as a liar. How frustrating is that? it upsets me something fierce.
see, i know that at some places, dishonesty is very easy to find. and i know that trust can often be betrayed. yet, it hurts when people treat you as if you don't care or that you really are trying to rip them off of something, even when you are trying to be nice or trying to give them something. so isn't it sad that we all do this.
God knows the heart of man more intimately than we can bear to think about. the heart is deceitful above all else, who can understand it? so we walk about our life as if God cannot see straight through us. we lie to ourselves and to God bald-faced... of course our fellowship with God is always where it should be..... oh, if you knew some of the things God has been showing me lately..... no, i don't have lust in my heart.... no, of course I'm not addicted to that.... yes, i can honestly say that i have loved my brother or sister wholeheartedly.... How many times do we fool ourselves into believing we have not sinned. it is sickening. i don't really have alot left on this except that i am a sinner just like the people who lie to me or who treat me as a liar- with the same motives, the same heart, and the same scales covering my eyes so i can't even tell that i'm the same and i needed a savior too.

weary

2006-06-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

i cannot complain about today. or about the fact that i am at work right now. yet i am weary of this world and the thoughts of it. or maybe it is just work that i am weary of. the highlight of this night was locking the doors because i got to be outside. i miss being outside. i want to enjoy the warmth of the summer heat, and let it carve a memory in my heart to remember the way the Lord is working in my life and teaching me to love him. i want to feel the sweat start to flow from walking so long in the heat and find solace in taking a walk with God right next to me. i wish i were gathered with the church and that i could fellowship with my brothers and sisters so i could love them and they could love me back. i wish i didn't feel quite so alone right now. because it isn't that i'm single now and don't have a security blanket, it is that there aren't people i can be deep with. there aren't people who know i am intense and deep and appreciate that about me. There are those who know me as the quiet one, or the serious one, or the one who works all the time. then there are the ones that know that i am deep, but don't care to explore with me. i want someone who can challenge me in every aspect of life and yet do it in a way that encourages me and inspires me to love more and live more intentionally and change my priorites and perspective on things. i want someone i can laugh with, and cry with, and walk with, and play with, and someone i can make fun of and who will make fun of me back. i want someone who will look at me at the end of the day and be so thankful for me, that they have my friendship and my time. i want to be known and i want to be outside.

trust

2006-06-21T16:06:00.000-08:00

find rest o weary one in the warmth of summer's light,
o silly mind lay down thy famous plight .
for the day is planned and the time is known
for you heart to be savored, your love to be owned
He knows the desire, he knows the design
of the history that will be yours,
when you drink certain love like wine.
so just let go and rest, find peace in living life
past the days you find yourself walking with
the one who loves you as wife....

the love

2006-06-19T18:03:00.000-08:00

I know not that this day shall end, for it seems it shall torment me and twist me until I can no longer be twisted. The day did not end or begin for I left work at 11:30pm and did not sleep because I was chatting with a fellow face booker about lots of things, but mostly on love, or the desire of it, or the ones about whom we are quite fond.
This turned into such despair and joy and sadness and hope all at once. There is always that person who just fits. And for me, it seems that passionate fit, no matter how great the potential, will not happen. Of course it will, you say. Have you ever been able to love a person and accept them so fully and passionately that you knew you would love them like that forever? I had this only once before. The state there made me feel as if there was nothing else to be had. Those days could have been my last and I would have died happy. I was convinced that no matter what came my way from there on out, I could never be discontent simply because I had tasted a sacred love, an unbreakable bond, a deep, heart wrenching, perfect love.
Now then, imagine the amazement of having this hope again. Oh the joy and the sadness. That sweet ecstasy, so pure, cannot be kept. For he does not know I feel this way, nor may he desire me because I seem not perfect to his fancy. No, I am short and not very tall; I am dark all around and not blue-hued. I am not exceedingly desirable or unstoppable, most likely, to him. So I see this perfection of creation to me, that includes his flaws and oddities, and am hopeful that just maybe he will look my way and dare I say love me like this. But there is a vast mystery between like and love and much to be known between the shadow and the soul. It is difficult to see the soul of a man, deeply cherish it, and remain unknown to this princely creation.
Heartache follows these losses. And today, the Heart tried and resolved itself to forgo these damages of giving love. To have loved like this and lost is better to have not loved at all. Yet to love like this twice is more dangerous and explosive than the first time. So there is a greater blessing and an even more dreadful curse. If he loves you, you have a piece of redemption, but if he loves you not, hell will not boil over to strengthen passion, rather, it burns and leaves scars. So I am afraid of being open to this love I feel. And people know who it is, though not too many. And I hope for the best, I hope for his Heart.

on last night

2006-06-17T05:08:00.000-08:00

all the days that have been rushing together have been decidedly stopped and today marks the official new beginning of so many things. last night i met with my friend whose life has been rearranged with mine to talk about where we were at and what we were thinking. The greatest blessing to me is that he asked me to pray for him at the end of all of it.

the thing that i find so odd is that he really knows me. or else he just picked up on alot of the things i didn't say... like when he was wondering how i could have so much peace about this rearrangement and how i could be so calm laying it all down with him, and then him telling me he realized that i had peace because i had been asking God for wisdom all along. so i was given the answer and i was doing it what i thought was wise. he knew somehow that i could see ten steps ahead of where he was, where i was, and where this relationship was going and he couldn't see it. and he didn't want to see that it was heading to friendship instead of marriage.

despite the disturbing peace that i had, i was so shocked. for days, i was shocked about it. i had decided what to do, had peace about doing it, and did not even think about changing my mind.

talking with him last night was very good for us though. We had kind, honest words for one another. and there was much graciousness and understanding abounding between the two of us.

i wish it had come sooner though and that we could have pointed each other to Christ in the earlier daysrather than have ended our relationship with it.

i wish that he would have seen ten steps ahead of me, and him, and saw where we were going before i did. i wish he would have beat me to the punch and lead me there. i wish that the day would come when i won't have to say goodbye to love because that love he will and does love me with, it leads me closer to Christ. i wish the day would come when i just know and he just knows

yet we don't say a word, we're just there. and i want my mother and my father to bless him first, without me knowing and i want to be pure to the mother whose daughter i am, and a blessing to the father whose daughter i am, and a bride to her beloved and a picture of grace, truth, and love. i want to sing to my God, my first love, on my own or with the one who leads me, and learn who my God is because i hate that i can forget a love so deep and so pure and so perfect. i hate that i am more capable to love at times so imperfectly and impurely, and with a shallow heart

rather than how my Father loves me.

The Garden

2006-06-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

a garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
song of solomon 4:12

purity contains a wholesome passion to love that person you care for erotically with a respect that does not betray their innocence. purity contains a kindness that does not provoke the other to the lust of your essence. Purity allows another to see God in every act that you take towards them, so it must reflect the very heart of God to be considered whole and pure. love is above anything proper but joyful, and if it is of God, it is a way of sanctification.

i am the garden locked. i pray that the keeper of the garden gives the key to her beloved soon.

Ecclesiastes 12

2006-06-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

Remember also your creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, " i have no pleasure in them", before the the sun and the light and the moon and the stars are darkened and the clouds return after the rain, in the day when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men are bent, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those who look through the windows are dimmed, and the doors on the street are shut- when the sound of the grinding is low and one rises up at the sound of a bird, and all the daughters of song are brought low- they are afraid also of what is high, and terrors are in the way;the almond tree blossoms, the grasshopper drags itself along, and desire fails, because man is going to his eternal home, and the mourners go about the streets- before the silver cord is snapped, or the golden bowl is broken, or the pitcher is shattered at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the cistern, and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, all is vanity.

Besides being wise, the preacher also taught the people knowledge weighing and studying many proverbs with great care. the Preacher sought to findwords of delight, and uprightly he wrote words of truth. The words of the wise are like goads, and like nails firmly fixed are the collected sayings; they are given by one Shepherd. My son, beware of anything beyond these. Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh. The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.

Have you ever thought about how much rest is found here in Ecclesiastes? There are no more questions, there are no more mysteries. It is the bottom line of the earth. i promise i am a happier person than this and on a usual day basis, i am very joyful. but think on this for a moment. our only real purpose is to fear God and keep his commandments. what a comfort is that!

Have you ever been the strong man bent or stopped grinding because it's just too hard? Or have you walked down a street offering nothing but closed doors? Have you ever wanted the silver cord to snap so that you would at least have an answer. Or have you watched the golden bowl that held your heart's hopes and treasures crash and shatter to pieces, or watched the hard earned water of your dear friend be lost because the pitcher shattered at the fountain? Or have you been on your way to some place great and then your ride dropped from underneath you? have you ever longed for the dust of this life to return to the earth from whence it came or longed for your spirit to return to God who gave it?

In Ecclesiastes, the game is finally finished and you have the answers of life. In Ecclesiastes, you have everything you were looking for and you are still alive to live a full life because living a full life is fearing God and keeping his commandments.

tuesday june sixth, this is my fuzzy face

2006-06-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

the song from yesteryears

2006-06-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

a song by ginny owens

the pathway is broken
and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason
why you brought me here
but just because you love me
the way that you do,
i'm gonna walk through the valley
if you want me to

cause i'm not who i was
when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise
that you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials
bring me closer to you,
then i'll walk through the fire,
if you want me to

it may not be the way
i would have chosen
but you lead me through a world
that's not my home
and no you never said
it would be easy
so i will go through the valley
if you want me to

well, forgive me if the words are a bit incorrect. i wrote them from memory. right now, no one knows about this blog, i'm sure. but once discovered, all those who care about me will be able to see what my prayer has been through these past few long, cold days. you will ultimately see my peanut trail that takes me back home, because i have sung this song since i was in tenth grade. i always seem to stray fom what God has for me to what i have planned for myself. And i want to love God with my whole heart, so i know that he loves me first and that he has a full life for me. i guess i just let my pride get in the way when he tries to wash my feet so i can think that he won't try to lay his head upon my chest. oh father, rest with me and lay your head with mine. teach me your thoughts and help me number my days

another unoriginal blog

2006-06-13T14:18:00.000-08:00

privacy, please
"i'm not a person who discusses all the ins and outs of what's going on with me ad nauseum. It betrays something that's mine, that's special to me. It's private, it's my stuff."

what is this all about? i'll post later, after i've pondered

well, i've pondered, i've had an opportunity to discuss these things with someone i consider reliable, we worked it out, and i have come to a conclusion.

first of all, this seems like a revolutionary idea! a real treasure. but it's like the sweet scroll that turns bitter in the tummy. this converstion came up one day while my friend and i were running errands for a wedding we were about to be in together and she asked me something about being a private person or sharing stuff or something that did not necessarily relate to this quote, but since i had mentioned it to her at a previous occasion and i had been pondering it, it brought it up again. oh, i remember, now.
we were talking about the scriptures that we had recently been reading and she said that her ans myself and another friend of ours should get together and share like we just had about what we were learning and what God was doing in our lives. she said that she doesn't see people around who share things, they say that their devotional time is "between them and God." I told her that i had heard the same thing, and though i do not agree entirely with that, it does have some value for the christian life. i thought about it for a moment and brought up this quote again and why i was having difficulty accepting it. because on one hand, it seems good to keep your private things hidden away, but then on the other hand, you are all alone. no one knows you.
so i told my dear friend these thoughts and reasoned out loud saying that christians are not called to be all alone, we are called to strengthen one another and bear each other's burdens. I told her that sharing what goes on in our lives shows the glory of God by testifying to his faithfulness and his goodness. i said though on the flipside, we are not going to be vulnerable like that to just anyone. there are somepeople you just do not trust to hold your life moments in confidence. there are some friends that you are just going to be closer to. and it is okay to tell and it is okay to be quiet.

so i concluded this mystery of being known and being private with the end consensus that the person who said this has at least one person he can talk to, and as christians, it is important o use discernment in sharing our own mysteries, because if everybody knows, it is no longer a mystery, but if no one knows, then we are not being apart of the family we were created for in Christ. that is an even more sad arrangement.

from my other blog

2006-06-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

normalcy
you know that feeling you get when you think you are on the verge of a huge change in your life, but then two weeks later, everything seems normal again? well i don't want normal anymore
if i could have only one thing in the world, one thing from the wide display that all of life implies it could offer: stuff, friends, love, excitement, adventure, academics, status, recreation, the stuff we could do for procreation..... really, anything at all, i hope i wouldn't choose any of it.
not to be one of those people who wade around in shallow humility, but i hope that i would just choose Christ. Because in Him, there is more excitement than any person can dare to contain, there is a love deeper than anyone can realize or grab onto, more adventure than we really care to know, and more passion than we have ever desired. all in one majestic, supreme, powerful God. How may times do i really choose this ecstacy over the "here and now".
how desperate a spiritual state i am in right now. i want the savior of my soul. i want the passion of his love for his sister and his bride. i want nothing more than to be enveloped in his perfection and sing him songs. will you sing with me?

the simple life

2006-06-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

i just got my first cup of coffee for the day. it is 5 in the afternoon. i am at my second home, the legacy center. if you have been here, you know there is a black grand size piano in the corner of the lobby. every now and then, sweet people bless me by playing this thing while i am behind the desk minding my own business. more on that later.

today has been an exceptionally odd day. today i have felt like i do not even know myself. i am not lost and i do not feel lost, i just feel blank. have you ever felt blank? i do not know when it started. i think that maybe there is just so much on my mind right now about so many things like things people have said to me or not said, things i have done or have not done, decisions i have made or have not made, the possiblilities are endless.

so what do i do about a recently rennovated relationship? that was rearranged because i rearranged it? no i do not regret it. yes i believe that i did make the right decision. frightingly positive i did. but where does that leave love now? how do i still love him and care for him like my brother and a friend. because i do want to. i do care about him. but i cannot love him how i did, even if i wanted to. what do i do about that? what will become of this and what happens to the year and a half that we spent together? where does that go? i don't know yet.

and what about the "concerned" card that parents send you out of the blue when you fill them in on the occasions of life. every other coversation before was wonderful and they are so proud of you and they are happy with you doing the right things and then you call and tell them something you'd hope they would be understanding about, possibly even more excited than you about, but then they say '' i wasn't going to say this, but i am very concerned about you and i think you should come home.'' after we have already talked about how proud of me they were and how they understand if i do not come home and how i need to be able to fly on my own. this leaves me so bewildered and confused. because if i got the message that they were proud of me, then why would they be seriously concerned about me? and if it's really okay that i do not come home, then why do they still insist that i come back unless they really do not believe that i can do this whole life thing on my own. and by the way, i am still planning on going home in another year. i am going to go because i miss them and i love them very much. my parents have been perfecting this genuine love within me for as long as i can remember. my dad has shown me how to be faithful and forgiving and my mother has shown me what it is to have faith. i cannot imagine the person i would be had i not lived with them. the ways that i had to grow have been more intense than what i feel i have had to do recently. i hope that i can live near them when i am older, though i will be content if i cannot.

it takes alot for me to realize that when one gets their feet dirty in the muck of the world, it takes alot to get clean again. selfishness, conceit, hypocricy, anger, and anything that is not holy and pure, patient and loving, all cling to me and i hate it. it is like being eaten alive by leaches. it sucks out your very blood and life. everything starts to close in on you and then you are left alone because sin is very lonely. so maybe it is just that i have too much sin in my life. because sin can numb you among other things and when you are numb, you don't really feel a whole lot, and maybe that is why this is the first time i've been able to really write something i didn't want to throw away. i just need to take a long bath in the cool waters of the sea of forgetfulness and be revived in the love and purpose of the LORD. so pray friend, pray for me. ......c

and the light shines bright

2006-06-04T01:06:00.000-08:00

This is the message we have heard from him and prolcaim to you, that God is light and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with on another and the blood of Jesus his Son cleases us from sin. 1John 1:5-7

this scripure says in a few verses later that if we say we have no sin, we decieve ourselves, we call God a liar, and we are still as bad as we were when we started. i have noticed in my own walk, it becomes easy to brush my "little" sins under the rug and so i decieve myself and darkness creeps in. too often i feel like i have soo far to go and i am so behind in where i should be. i want the stuf inside of me to reflect the light of God, the goodness of God, not myself.

faced with many changes so far this summer, i know that i am so blessed to have a love like our father's. conviction sets in when darkness begins to prevail, but the sun also rises with the dawn, along with his mercies, anew every morning